2.58am - 28th April 2008
i wouldn't know if it's a major turning point or a minor one.
was i supposed to be overjoyed about it?
am i suppose to be regretting for my actions?
sometimes, when i think back of all the shit i get myself into.
i wonder why my mind doesn't think straight at the appropriate times.

nevertheless, i hope and pray for the best to come.

on a seperate note.
i miss the happy times i use to have with all my friends.
i miss every single one of them.





i.miss.you.



i hate what i have become into.

the lack of sleep is literally killing me.
i'm happily stoning away in class right now and i ain't bothered a single cent about it.
at the end of the day, i am prepared for a C as well.

bleh!

O.M.G. O.M.G

calling haruna back to earth..

what in the world just happened?
&& i can't bring myself to absorb whatever that's going to happen in the next few hours.

a change of status.
i can't possibly handle this.
it's too much to even consider.

allow me to poof away into the thin air.
i promise i won't cause any trouble.

i can't seem to string all the words that run through my mind.
it leaves me blank and very much disturbed.

you wouldn't know what i'm thinking simply because you're not me.
you wouldn't know how it feels to be stuck in between everyone.
i do realise that i have been distant from everyone around me.
i do realise that i'm only smiling on the outside. i'm so worried and afraid on the inside.

if only i could temporarily click the pause button and take everything slow.
it would help so much.

what would you do when you are stuck between your mind and heart. when your heart pretends everything is alright but your mind knows that you are lying to yourself. knowing that you are there, right infront of me. yet i'm unable to reach you and keep you to myself. && i ask myself again, why am i harping on something that i can't have. and again the heart pretends it's all fine.

skipped school today, twice in a week.
due to my bad flu & cough since yesterday.
lost my voice too, everyone's saying i sound like a guy over the phone.
seriously heartbreaking.
i feel extremely guilty about skipping school.
i promise never to skip school again for any crappy reasons.

randomly, i'm craving for chicken rice right now.

the fear of hurting someone engulfs my whole heart leaving me in a state of confusion.
so confused that i can't even think straight.
i want to escape from everything, everyone.. be myself, live for myself.
i'm very worn out thinking about every god damn thing.
i can't hold back the tears any longer.





i love the way you made me happy.
i hate the way i have to push you away from my life.

so many lingering thoughts with no start or end.
they just flow through my mind and stay there, never wanting to leave.

i completely hate the way how i gave in.
you made me seem like a complete whore.
but no. i ain't brooding over it.
you were just there for my pleasure, and now u shall be gone. *poof into the thin air and never return back*

next shitbrick.
i finally got my laptop formatted.
while attempting to put back the files to C drive.
my file with ALL my pictures and school work vanished!
i have no hard feelings over my school work.
MY MEMORIES THAT I TREASURED IN THOSE PHOTOS. they are all gone now.
i was one the verge of crying but i managed to hold back those tears.
i didn't want to break down the second time.

nesha, thanks for being there for me baby.
i knew i could always count on you.
you're the last thing that i would want to lose in my life.



this is a special dedication to certain special people.

dearest dearies.

i pray to god that he would bless you guys with a more matured brain that suits your age.
from what i have been through, your mere actions remind me of how primary/secondary school students fight.
maybe, stop there and think, you would remember that friendship isn't something that can be thrown away this easily.
nevertheless, if you guys feel that my friends and i are mere dirt to you, beyond all means please fuck off without troubling us.
&& for the most loyal boyfriend.
if you do want to interfere into an issue, which in the first place was never one.
please do consult me, i advise you to get a skirt.
and if you think my bestie's a boy, she would have made a better man than you.
she would have the balls to stand up for the right things and not be a fucking dog for her girlfriend.
thank you so much for the kind attention that you gave me for the past few minutes while reading my blog.
any doubts or queries, feel free to come confront.
cheers.

i skipped school two days in a row and am feeling rather guilty.
but i assure myself, i will never skip again for any reasons.

i'm feeling quite aimless right now.
i told my mum school was starting late, so i could sleep till noon and then get out of the house.
but right now, i have no where to go.
i can't decide if i should go to school to reformat my lappie. *recycle in the terms of a certain friend*
or should i just go bum around.

i've got this instinct telling me that i will go to hell once i die.
for all the lies i tell my parents, i find myself securing a place in hell for the future.

ok moving on, i was out with shakthee and her friends yesterday.
we spent the day at Wild Wild Wet.
then went for dinner at an Indian restaurant.
it was an enjoyable outing, yet a part of me felt very left out.
maybe the day would have been better if i went to school, it's only a maybe.
*i can foresee myself dead in shakthee's hands after she reads this*

yeap. && my dad screwed me inside out for my handphone bills.
apparently, i have to start paying the extra usage on my own while he will only pay the subscription.
fantastic right?! where will i go for the money?! steal from an old aunty walking along the road? rob the bank across my house?
to make it worse, i have not receive my fucking pay.
seriously wtf! i need the damn money.
can't the freaking company issue me the cheque any faster. don't they want to pay me?!
swines!

on a more random note.
if you think you could pull off the hi-bye thing on us.
i am so sorry. we don't need you any longer here.
you have caused us enough, and we don't need anymore.
just move away forever if you think none of us worth it.
moreover, i think you aren't worthy yourself.
try perfecting yourself before picking on others.
one last word. don't be a BITCH.



sometimes, you've got to do what you want. not what others want out of you.

i have never been this direct to any guy in my life.
i can't believe what i just did hours ago.

OMG, haruna.. what on earth were you thinking?
i'm not sure, myself.

i only realized the consequences of my action after boarding the cab.
i can't be anymore embarrassed.

i have no idea how am i going to face him again.

GAWD!

who said studying in RP was dread.
it's pure bliss.
when your eyes never stop wandering, spotting all those who deserve to be deemed as HAWT.

&& who on earth told me, my classmate would be a hawwwwt toyboy stuff.
i can already count the number of people who are going to kill me for this.

ok, i can't take my eyes off him.
i keep turning back to stare at his cute face.
&& i think he knows i am openly checking him out.

officially back to school tomorrow.
new class.new friends. starting all over again.
i can foresee myself dragging myself to class but awaiting the first break.
insider news has reported that the Year 1's are hot.
and yes, girls. that means we all have to keep our eyes open amidst all the hot gossiping.

ignorance is bliss.
everything which deserves to be ignored will be ignored.
certain people.certain drama.

&& the least which concerns me is you and why you still haven't called nor messaged me.
you are officially ignored from this very minute.

not forgetting, my pay is still missing.
someone please solve this mystery of the lost pay?!

i'm disturbed.
thoughts of everything occurs.
everything swirls in my head.
i'm happy one moment, and sad the next.
the choices I take confuse me inside.
every moment, I feel the need to break down.
i'm lost within myself.
and i have no right answer to why i feel this way.

certain calls i expect never seem to reach me.
i stare at the phone all day long, and there's not a single call nor a message.
i don't need to you tell me certain things and disappear later.
all i need to know right now, is what you are feeling right now.

and they all balance the equation somehow.



we are just reminding you how much of a pussy you are.

the last weekend to freak out.
and then we all can mug together in RP.
this is depressing, i want longer holidays.

&& i still have not received my pay.
it's almost a week. && how is it fair that my company says that it isn't their fault that the cheque hasn't reached me yet!?! i got this feeling that the mail was posted to the wrong house; which is totally SingPost's fault. i'm hoping the soul who received my mail would be kind and considerate enough to pass it to me..

i'm meeting shakthee at 4 today to chill out.

on a separate note.
i don't see which kind of guy doesn't defend his girl.
apparently, standing by the side and watching the show doesn't really help.
&& friends who can't be happy for their 'besties' aren't worth to be friends.


urgh, i think i can go on and on if i continue to whine.
i am off to go get ready.

today, we were on our very first field trip to Kallang River.
it's also ended up being a Girls' Day out.
nasri was sick thus he couldn't make it.
nonetheless, we had loads of fun despite all the endless tiring walks.

&& i must emphasize the fact that we have bad sense of direction.
Rosey was our walking street directory, and yes, we got lost.
we were supposed to be going upstream, oh wait was it downstream.
ok who knows?! but we were in the wrong direction.
thanks to a random PUB officer who led us the right way.

after a short interview with this kind soul, we made our way back to Kallang Basin.
the journey never seemed to end. we seemed to be walking non-stop.
i think i lost a few calories from all the walking.
but i gained it back because dinner was sooo delicious. hehe.
so after much walking, and all the whining and complaining.
we digressed to Coffee Bean to have a break.
and that was the break that led to the end of the tiring day.
we got too comfortable that we were so reluctant to move our ass back to work.
nevertheless, i saw that coming soon.

next up. some cam-whoring that took place.



it's the third day. still have not received my pay.
i'm getting annoyed.
what the hell is wrong with postal service in Singapore?!

still yet to receive the pay slip.
this is really depressing.
how is it possible, everyone else has received it and i have not.
unlucky sia!

urgh!

Happy April's Fool to all my sweet darlings.
to those who got fool, you deserve it.
to those who didn't, don't be too happy.
and those who tried fooling me. bleh! you can't.
especially my dearest sweetheart.lidya.
c'mon girl. i love you to the max, why would i hate you.
be more practical next time. *winks*

aside from the jokes and pranks.
i'm really depressed that i have not received my pay slip yet.
everyone else have received it.
i hope they didn't send it to a wrong address.
i don't want my hard earned money going to an unknown bum.

on a random note.
i think this certain cute person should take it slow.
two days is too fast to like a person.
and it freaks me out totally.

right now, am waiting for shakthee's call.
but she doesn't seem to be calling.
ohhh shakthee where are you?!