Behind The Smile

2010-06-07T02:37:00.002+08:00

i've ran out of tears and hope. i wish with these tears, all the memories will be washed away.

why aren't I stronger? if i was way stronger, my heart wouldn't go through such misery. i pity that muscle that beats to keep me alive. i do think too much with my heart but it's not my fault. i didn't ask to fall this deep into the trap. i didn't know it would be this hard to get out.

if my feelings and thoughts can be read out aloud, i'd appreciate it the most.

for the last time, though noone's going to hear it.

i've loved you. i'm loving you and i will love you for a very long time to come.

2010-05-12T02:16:00.001+08:00

i miss you.

i want to spend the day cuddled right beside.

it doesn't matter if we aren't together, it doesn't matter what we have between us right now.

i only want to be in your arms right now.

2010-05-09T03:15:00.001+08:00

i'm hurting on the inside with a faint smile on my lips.

2010-05-01T03:05:00.003+08:00

19th months, it would have been.

it never occurred till something captured my eyes.

it wouldn't be fair to be jealous of a person who's so happy in life.

time flies, 5 months and yet till today i see no difference.

i still miss you the same, still want you the same.

i have no idea why i'm missing him this much right now.

i'm holding back myself as much as i can.

no i won't find back means and ways to contact him.

no, it was already stupid enough to follow him back on tumblr.

sometimes, i wish god would miraculously give me more will power.

i wouldn't be this weak and make a fool out of myself.

i don't want to repeat mistakes over and over again.

but something tells me, i don't mind being hurt over and over again when it comes to you.

2010-04-27T02:34:00.003+08:00

i felt like a part of me that i was clinging onto was ripped out.

you don't love me. not anymore. i should have known.

i pray that life will be better when i wake up tomorrow.

it took me this courage i never knew i had to delete all means of your contact including the photos. the only memories i held on tightly to.

2010-04-20T02:28:00.003+08:00

i'm tired. i'm tired of getting out of from this mess and falling right back in.

let me go or be with me.

i've never felt this weary in my life before.

i seek genuine happiness.

2010-04-18T03:27:00.002+08:00

every single post i wrote in the past, i never failed to mention i love you.

somehow, reading back those posts brings a weak smile back.

each post lingers in my mind so freshly.

all the fun, petty arguments, pictures. i wouldn't exchange it for anything right now.

2010-04-17T02:16:00.002+08:00

why'd you do this to me?

don't you know, don't you recognize these painful efforts i take to avoid you?

i let this tears fall today after a long time.

in a tiny flickering hope, with the tears the memories will also be washed away.

you and me, the days you told me that i was all that you've ever wanted.

the day went fine though you ran through my mind while i flipped the pages of a book.

there wasn't a need for today's conversation.

there was never a need for one after you left. left me in a mess.

you probably don't know. i'm wrecked. i can't find myself.

i'm broken, noone knows.

i put up this brave front, a facade.

leave my heart, please. it's killing me, bit by bit.

i don't know how much more of this i can take.

~~won't this love fade?~~

what's this jealously flowing through me?

is it even jealously? i see you enjoying life.

having fun, like the past never existed.

like i never existed.

i have no idea how many times i have ranted about this.
i look forward to a day where i'll tell someone.
i didn't flinch when he spoke to me, it didn't hurt anymore.

i will never see you as a friend.

i still yearn to tell you.

i miss you. i want you beside me.

2010-04-01T03:07:00.002+08:00

i'm not sure where to start but i'm back here to rant because there's this chocked feeling i can't seem to express to anyone out there. i'm suffocating in my own thoughts.

i need someone out there, a friend to be there for me. just this once to help me get out of this mess. i'm tired of helping everyone, solving all their problems, being a good listener. i have problems of my own which i can't figure out. it affects me when i listen to someone ranting. their rants clog up my head and he creeps in back.

i try to push him out of my head as much as i can. but it doesn't work, not even a single percent. i very well know i can't push him out my heart but i try and force him out of my head. if that doesn't work as well, what the fuck am i supposed to do.

days like these, i really want to talk to someone. someone who will just listen and i don't find anyone out there. i can't narrow down one person. how pathetic is my social circle, please tell me?!

i don't want to feel lonely, i hate this loneliness that overwhelms me.

i say there's no more tears left and where does this tear that's flowing down my cheek come from? i'm clueless. all i need to know is why the fuck do you mean this much to me? i've fallen out of this damned love for god knows how many times, i've been dumped and i always managed to get right back on track and continue living my life the way it's supposed to be. why not now?

i've ruined myself. you are the only thing that runs in my mind, the way you hold me, the way you leave pecks on my lips, the way we cuddle up.

i know i probably shouldn't be doing this to you. leaving you messages, killing you slowly with guilt. killing your relationship.

when i find this little courage in me, i will delete you off from facebook, my blog, and all your pictures. that way, we'll both be happier.

i need some peace within myself.

2010-03-16T01:05:00.002+08:00

i'm really tired. i'm tired of wanting you back. i'm tired of avoiding your thoughts. i'm tired of the reality that hits me. and there's noone to make it alright.

they ask me how am i. they ask me is everything okay. and i answer them each with a smile. but deep down, i'm broken. i thought i was doing fine but i realized i'm only just lying to myself each night before i go back to bed. because when the night falls, it hits me. i'm lonely. there are days where life seems to pick up and i need someone to share it with. but no one's around because everyone's got a life of their own to see to.

there are days where i miss you so much, i type page of text and delete it away. i scroll through my contacts to call but i put the phone away. there are days i hate you so much, i go to bed with so much anger build in me. there are days where i feel stuck between loving you and hating you, i cry myself to sleep.

i wish i could find a delete button somewhere to strike you off.

each time, i want to tell you. i want you so badly. i don't fucking care who else you have in your life. let me be with you till i fall out of this damned love. i'm even willing to sacrifice that much to have you.

if anyone could read my mind and found this out, they'd probably say i've gone insane. probably i have too. it's crazy, of course. to think about someone everyday. replaying every moment you've been together.

i should have regretted falling for him by now. but there hasn't been a single second throughout these months i have regretted knowing him, falling so deeply in love with him.

why do i even love you this much in the first place?

~~i love you, please.~~

2010-03-02T00:20:00.000+08:00

re-read everything. you'll know.

2010-03-02T00:00:00.001+08:00

i miss you. but who will ever know.

2010-02-14T01:25:00.001+08:00

valentine's day? what valentine's day?

2010-02-11T23:02:00.001+08:00

it's so easy for you to say. i don't wish to see a certain person. right, i mean. why would you when you threw me away. of course, i'm meant to be happy with someone else. but you have no idea how much of wreck you've put me through before the someone else comes along. i hate you. i do.

2010-02-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

I HAVE NEVER FELT ANYMORE ANGER BEFORE. i don't want to remember you any longer. i hope the heart listens.

2010-02-08T23:20:00.001+08:00

hurts just as much as the first time.

2010-02-08T00:23:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish you never existed, the 14 months of my life never existed. because then, life would have been so much easier. to live each day, it would have been so much simpler. fast forward time please. they all say with time, everything heals. i want to heal fast. i don't want to go through this shit anymore. it's so difficult to pull through the days when i imagine the most impossible scenarios, when i recall everything about you, me, us. when i pass by places where you've waited, we've been. you know shit about how it feels. it stings.

i don't want you anymore. but what the hell. what reaches the mind, it doesn't reach the heart. every beat quickens when i see you online, when i read your blog, when i see your updates on facebook. who am i kidding. i must be so damn dumb, crazy to want a person who threw me away within moments.

noone knows what runs deep through my me, never had the chance to tell anyone. there's noone to hear. i want you, because there's noone like you. not the guy i met at the club, not the guy who flatters me each time he calls, not the guy who stalks me. noone right now. noone will be what you were, and noone will ever know who i ever was.

i lost myself when i lost you. haha. you know it all sounds like a drama. fucking melodramatic. but i won't deny a single thing i've just said. because it truly comes from my heart. i haven't been able to put anything across as words because i never wanted you to know how i feel. i don't want to be known as the girl who became desperate.

you've made me so mad. with the blog post. with status such as ' if the guy doesn't reply your calls or message. he's no longer interested. don't bug me'. ARE YOU OUT THERE TO EMBARRASS ME? i don't bug you. do i? if it doesn't refer to me. at least people who read will refer it to me. it's so fucking degrading. and why the fuck do i still feel for you.

she says, i'm a fool. you take me for a fool. another says, he knows you'll take his nonsense. maybe not this time around, if i convince my fucking heart. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself, you know? probably just sit around and let insanity sink in.

i don't know why, what, when? what the fuck went wrong? you lied, didn't you? about black magic? about everything. i'll never buy that story. i want to know the real, actual, true reason. even if it is going to hurt every inch of me. what differs now? when you've already killed. you only saw what you wanted. you never saw the love. well, each man for himself right? you had to be selfish. and why wasn't i?

you don't feel as much as i do. that's one thing for sure. i'll aspire to be like this. when i won't give a fuck about you any longer. won't the day come sooner?

i shouldn't have loved you this much. i should have never trusted you in the first place. each time you said you loved me more than i did. when you said, i was the only thing you've wanted so much. when you said, i meant the world. when you changed, i should have never fall for you. see, this is what happens to a stupid girl. haha. take me for an example. this is what happens.

go on, haruna. enough of self pity. you are done for tonight. ranting is over. come back the next time you see him online and your heart skips a beat and everything else comes tumbling down.

2009-12-14T19:45:00.001+08:00

every inch of me feels like i'm killed slowly and silently.

i must be just the next stupid girl who fell so deeply in love with a boy and now she suffers through the day and night.

2009-08-02T20:22:00.001+08:00

i've moved. click here (:

2009-08-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

i know i'm pretty unreasonable to handle. i know i keep hurting you, making you want to let go everything and go back to how you were. i know, sometimes you simply just want to erase and disown me from your life.

but you don't know. there's wouldn't be a day, i'll be able to stay without you. you don't know, i need to hear your voice to keep my day going. you don't know, each time we argue, my heart drops and i cry myself to sleep. you don't know, each time i see you, i'm the happiest little girl around. you don't know, how much i would give to spend the eternity with you.

you don't know, how much i appreciate your changes, your sacrifices, your love.

each word that you see here, it wouldn't sum up to my love for you. even an infinity amount of words isn't sufficient enough to tell you.

i love you, sivashankar.

despite all the petty arguments we have, i believe, i know it deep down. till the end, we'll always be happy. you'll be the right one for me.

Happy Anniversary.

2009-07-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

did i mention, I'M GOING TO BE SO EFFIN' BROKE this month. and depressingly, the month hasn't even started.

2009-07-29T15:33:00.002+08:00

i know i took a pretty long hiatus. and no, i did not abandon my bloggie. although i'm contemplating to move elsewhere. it's going to be the same old repetition about work and school. so you see, i'm saving you from the boredom of reading about my boring life. i won't deny that there have been a couple of interesting things that happened. raj's birthday dinner, bbq (pictures are up in facebook), nessa's working with me now and the highlight would be..

i went over to boyfriend's house yesterday. i thought i was going to have an instant cardiac arrest, simply drop dead at that moment. actually, i wished i would poof into thin air then and there. it's my very first time, you know. going over to a boyfriend's house. whoever knew, that his evil-drag me to hell-grandmother (i might die for this) would be at home. i was almost choking on my words when she talked to me, and it didn't help that my boyfriend was being an ass. right after she left, a sense of relieve sinked in. neither did that last long. his dad stepped in. although conversation with his dad was much easier. minus the fact that i kept smiling away like a retarded girl. he must have thought that i was retarded. oh well, not that i bother much. :p but i wonder what his grandmother thinks of me. such strong instincts that she hates me.

to fill in on the basic daily activities. life's been pretty good except for the minor (turning into major) hiccups. i'm trying as much as i can to stay positive and overcome it. i know i can. and i promise myself, one day, i will prove everyone and everything wrong. i know i will.

three more weeks for school to end. technically two more lessons and one more test. i've got to start studying already, now that the test is going to cover the whole 15 weeks of lessons. i should start finding a more stable career-like job once i get my transcript. to support myself, to start saving for higher education. more or like, made up my mind to apply for pharmacy technician/assistant at the government hospitals.

this is where i wish my parents would allow me to study overseas. really, i feel i would have a better prospect back in singapore once i have completed a pharmacy degree overseas. but it'll never happen, something so unlikely. i have to choose a better path here. i envy all my friends who have flown off. ):

lastly, things couldn't be any better with boyfriend. despite all the bumps down the long road, it's a smooth journey. a journey till the end of time. this is mushy. you know, i love you. simply more each day.

this entry ends here. i promise i'll update more often when time permits.

love. ♥.

2009-07-11T16:03:00.002+08:00

surprising, how i thought i could be stronger and get through this fucked feeling without shedding a single tear. i failed myself. it'll never happen that way. unless one day, i grow so tired of everything and just fuck it all.

my heart feels so heavy, there's so much to tell and write. then again, words aren't enough to express this agony. i know i'll be fine soon. but this will always remain behind. it will never stop lingering around, i can tell.

i have so much to learn, i just don't know why i choose not to and be this way. how inconsiderate of myself.

and i don't know what else there is.

2009-06-29T00:00:00.001+08:00

unbelievable. the weekend has ended so quickly. two days gone just like that. nothing fruitful done. still lack of sleep.

on a brighter note. i can't wait to go shopping with boyfriend ((:

2009-06-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

there were to many lingering thoughts up in my head before i started this entry. right now, i'm feeling blank. extremely blank. i don't know why am still doing this entry then.

one of my colleague left work already. so now it's one down. three left. actually, working alone doesn't seem that bad after all. self-entertainment with staplers and scissors. self-reflecting moments too.

i also caught DRAG ME TO HELL with boyfriend last thursday. it's just -oh-my-effin'-god-DISGUSTING. seriously, eyeballs popping out and a corpse vomiting gooey stuff into the lady's mouth. it's just GROSS ok. since boyfriend already watched the movie, i thought he might answer my burning questions during the movie. apparently, all i got in return was 'shut up'. right after the movie, mean boyfriend dragged me out of the shopping complex simply cause he didn't feel like having some icecream.

it's going to be the whole week of work and school next week. then it'll be erica's and boyfriend's 21st birthday. i'm getting excited. ((((:

did i mention?! one of my laptop hinges broke. now, i have a handicapped laptop ): and i've yet to watch The Transformers. maybe next week, i will. if time and money permits.

maybe. or not. i don't know. what's going to happen.
all i hope is for the best. cause i mean no harm, all i want is just some fun.

i love you, baby. (:

2009-06-26T21:25:00.000+08:00

here's to the
KING OF POP
rest in peace, MJ.
you'll be in our hearts, now and always.

2009-06-23T22:34:00.003+08:00

I'M BACK! actually, i was back two weeks ago. it's just that i haven't got the time to post an entry. partly, cause i'm too lazy too.

where do i start? there's like a month of updates due.

oh well, INDIA to begin with. i can't explain to you, how glad i am to be back home after 17 days. i have to agree, it was a great break. only that it was too long. extremely long, i should say. but shopping there makes up to everything else. IT'S CRAZY, I'M TELLING YOU! i couldn't get enough of shopping. that's one reason why i miss india. other than that, the journeys were way too long. can you imagine, 8 hours of traveling on bumpy roads. it's like you vibrate throughout the whole journey in the mini van.to make it worse, people walk in the middle of the road. no matter how much you honk, they continue walking in the middle of the road. like they own the roads there! && water that comes out from the tap is naturally brown plus you get free black sediments settling at the bottom of your pail. whether you like it or not! i don't even want to start about the toilets there. i've learn to appreciate the normal coffee shop toilets which are SO MUCH cleaner compared to those toilets in india.

facebook's being a bitch. i've been trying to upload the 200 over pictures there but it keeps failing. i'll upload all the pictures soon for your viewing pleasure (:

and there's the usual work and school. it's so depressing that my colleagues will be leaving soon. it means that i'm going to be all alone. hopefully, they find new part-timers. or i'm so sure i'll be quiting too. school hasn't been bad after all. i enjoy going back to school although i don't really fit in that class. not that i really bother much, i just need a grade to graduate. and i'll be a happy little girl.

oh, one of my colleague thought that i was only 13 years old. WTF!

last saturday, we had a mini birthday celebration for shalu. as much as it was chaotic, i had so much of fun.

the next whole month is going to be filled with 21st birthdays. i'm going to be broke as hell. and not that things haven't been easy with my dad either. great right, something has to just screw up at the right time.

i love you. that's all you need to know.

2009-05-28T09:00:00.003+08:00

400th post.

stuck at the airport since 6.15am. thanks to the flight delay. indian airlines, so well known for all these delays. i still vividly remember 10 years ago, the same indian airline delayed for longer hours. much worse, i was stuck at the airport in india then. so i'm not complaning now, cause i had free breakfast, am using the free internet service and i will probably play the xbox 360 after this.

oh wait, a new announcement. flight delayed again. now to 12 noon. why am i not surprised.

so sleepy right now, i think i'll just find a comfortable spot to cuddle myself and take a nap.

wheee. india's going to be so exciting. mummy and i made a shopping list already ((:

oh, and i forgot to bring my handphone charger so there's no point if am going to get a prepaid card from india. my battery won't even last for the next half an hour.

blabbers.blabbers.

boyfriend, i miss you. :)

2009-05-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

in less than 7 hours, i'll be flying in the mid air to india.
as much as am really excited.
i don't know how to survive without your presence.
there's always a first time for everything, and this will be my first time.
i'm going to miss you. so much, that i'm already feeling that tinge of sadness this moment.
i love you, sweetheart. take care.

2009-05-27T13:39:00.002+08:00

i'm posting this entry from school right now, cause i'm so sure that i'll be a busy bee when i reach home tonight. this will be probably the hundredth time i mention that am flying off tomorrow morning. my little escape to india ((: and i won't be around for the next two weeks. will only be back on the 13th of june. so if i've missed out on any special updates, please do inform me when am back ok?

it's going to be quite dreadful when i'm back. just to think of the housework that needs to be done. oh god. save me. and when i return, i've got a test due too. i won't have much time to study either cause of work.

HIGHLIGHT. haruna is a few hundred dollars richer today. ((: wheeeeeeeeee~ then again, all the expenses are flocking in too.

i hope boyfriend will be on time later. yes, he's picking me up from school. and i'm still clueless about what we are doing or where we are going.

and now. i will bid my farewell to all of you. i love you guys. and i will miss all of you.
2 weeks, and i hope it will fly pass quick.
love ya'll ((: xoxo.

it feels so right, yet so wrong at the same time. i know that this feeling will fade away soon. but how soon will it be. i don't want this insecurity to kill me within.

2009-05-25T00:42:00.001+08:00

i'm not as simple as i seem to be.

2009-05-24T18:09:00.003+08:00

the only reason i'm posting an entry is to keep this blog alive. other than that, i don't have much updates to share. it's like life's so routinized now; actually it has always been this way. but now it's just more, rigid, i should say. work. school. work. housework. it falls in this order throughout the 7 days. i shouldn't complain. cause now, i don't feel useless anymore. and i don't have the need to rot at home any longer. plus when the cash flows in, who can resist this.

then again, work's getting a little more mundane each day. and on friday, it was the worst. my supervisor wasn't around so it was like a free period you have in secondary schools. we were all just lazing around. chucking in lemon biscuits, talking on and on. we also picked up rough pieces of paper to play bingo and some word game. i had to be such a smart alex to leave the rough paper lying near the scanning pile, now it's stuck somewhere in the admist of the scanning pile. i tried searching, so did my kind colleagues. it's no where to be found. hopefully i'll find it on monday.

i think i'll apply for half day on monday too. i need to head down to school to submit my edusave form, apparently cause they need the original form with the signatures on it. the nuthead at the counter told me that it was fine to fax it over.

oh yea. highlight will also be that, RP sent an letter to my dad due to my poor attendance. i only missed two lessons. i thought it was supposed to be something like, you miss school thrice a week and there'll be a letter sent. oh well, a whole new change in the system. which also means, i can't leave class halfway through this wednesday. cause my faci will award me with a F. i'm left with no choice but to meet boyfriend after school.

you see, since am leaving on thursday morning, and i don't think it'll be a good idea for boyfriend to send me off at the airport. i really want to spend the little time left on wednesday with him. i guess i'll make do with the few hours after school.

lately, mummy and i have been having a very fruitful yet disturbing conversation. it only leaves me more confused.

oh well, that's pretty much summarizes life right now.

i'm quite hyped up about the trip to india. more of i can't wait actually. i've been an obdient child and packed all my clothes already. only the essential items left to be chucked in. and off am gone on thursday! ((:

but i'm going to miss you so much. it's going to be hard.

2009-05-19T21:52:00.002+08:00

i'm too caught up between work, school and my little escape to india. to those who realise my absence in the virtual world, i'm not hiding anywhere. just too worn out to hog on to the laptop any longer.

there's school tomorrow, grrr. on a brighter note, my dad gave me $$ to get myself two new pairs of shoes. ((:

last saturday, was so much of fun and love. caught angels and demons with boyfriend, praveena and raj. and then the usual day out as planned. boyfriend and i ended up having a mini war in between, but it was all solved. tsk, i know i know. i'm petty and complexed :P i'm too lazy to post up any pictures. then on sunday, before parting on our ways, boyfriend and i had lunch together. if only there was more outings like that. oh wait, here comes the part... if only i had money!

oh payday, oh payday! where are you?

boyfriend found a more permanent job too, which means lesser meetings already.

if you realised, this was a very redundant entry.

thank you all for reading (:
i miss everyone. and i love all of you :)

there's not a second, you leave my thoughts.

2009-05-14T21:28:00.002+08:00

work isn't as dreadful as i thought it would be. i got accustomed to it within three days. now, i don't feel like a dead chicken after 8 hours of work. my colleges are really nice, we talk about all kind of things to keep ourselves entertained during work. but it doesn't beat the chats with rosey, nasri, nessa and cs. and well, to sum up about work, i love my job and i can't wait for my payday.

again, i skipped school. cause i was really worn out. i promise myself, i will attend school regularly from next week onwards. yes, yes.. seems familiar right. you would have seen it my past entries. but, this time the promise will be real, cause there's no temptations :P

also, i'll be flying off to india in another two weeks. the trip has got me hyped up, who can resists endless shopping sprees!!!! ((: on the other hand, i will have to leave boyfriend here alone. i'm worried too.

on saturday, i'll be spending time with boyfriend. will be meeting veena and raj too. really can't wait. it has been some time since we had our usual sessions.

everything happens for a reason, and in the end, it'll be all for good.

you keep me happy like noone else will ever do.
i love you.

2009-05-10T00:37:00.003+08:00

important announcement up. MISS. HARUNA ELANGOVAN is FINALLY EMPLOYED. yes, yes. after intensive job hunting, am employed by Gleneagles Hospital as an admin assistant. i started work last thursday. and i was hired without even an interview cause they needed people. i'll be spending 10 months of my life there, so i'm considered as a full time staff with pro-rated benefits and salary. it isn't a taxing job, except the part where i've got to carry super huge heavy boxes. there are like 119 boxes of medical records to be cleared. :x also, the office is so super cold, the jacket doesn't really help. and it turns my fingers iced-cold.

then there was school, which i skipped to visit boyfriend at his workplace as early as 9am. i reached his workplace earlier than i would have reached school. it also means, i have to resist the temptations of skipping school from next week onwards.

also caught horsemen on friday. not too bad, i must say. only goes to show how important is it for a parent to spend time with their children, or it'll drive the kids crazy.

nothing much that deserves the attention here.

i can feel my moodswings taking control over me.
sometimes, it's so hard to figure out how to react.

words aren't enough to tell you, i love you.

2009-05-04T16:49:00.003+08:00

i've become too difficult to be with. i realise. it's become much harder to control my mood swings and emotions.

i'm just too sorry, that you are stuck with all these. everything that you have to go through and not be appreciated. i'm sorry, but it isn't the way you think of it as to be. i'm sorry.

and now, since boyfriend's got his new phone, there's no point saving any more. i'll just use the money to pay off two months' handphone bill. something which i really wanted to get him. that tinge of sadness, i'll get over it.

this crappy feeling, i just need to get away to set my mind at ease. i'm not sure why do i behave this way. i hate that i have become too dependant, so much that. when you're not around, anger and sadness builds up.

i realised there isn't any flow in this post. but it'll do.

hopefully, the job offer still stands till tomorrow. then i will be so much busier, it'll be easy to keep my minds off things. then again, if i were to start working, there won't be any time for anything else. i hate this.

it's not there isn't love for you.. it's just the insecurity that builds in me.
i do love you, the same way.

2009-04-28T20:55:00.001+08:00

a hungry girl is an angry girl!~!!!

2009-04-27T16:16:00.003+08:00

my expenses building up as the day goes by. and my handphone bill tops all of it. i miss getting my allowance. ): urgh, ****!!!

i miss sivashankar.

2009-04-27T00:11:00.001+08:00

i'm so blank right now, i can't even convey the message right.

2009-04-26T02:20:00.000+08:00

lingering thoughts. it kills as usual...

2009-04-26T01:15:00.003+08:00

sometime since the last update, i know. it's not that am busy or whatsoever. just plain laziness. and yes, pretty much a lot of things that have happened. i kind of forgot half of it already. i'm getting old. this is sad. therefore, am only going to mention things that deserve the attention.

School! yes yes, by now everyone should have known. i'm going back to school for every wednesdays. i attended my very first day of school; luckily valli has school on wednesdays too. if not for her presence, it's going to be so dreadful. i agree, class wasn't that bad. they've put me in a class filled with year two's, a few year three's and two repeat students. myself and a malay guy. my team mates are nice people too. i hope it stays this way for the rest of the 14 weeks. the facilitator, she's those type who seems lenient on the outside but actually is strict. oh oh, and i lied throughout my RJ. cause it was regarding depression. and it was a pretty long one in a very long time too. do you know, now they actually grade us for our referencing too. plus, they have resources that we MUST read up on. WTH.

then there's my boyfriend sweetiepie. we met on monday, wednesday, and today. yeap, see thrice in a week. HAHA!
on monday, we headed to Kaplan at orchard to enquire about his diploma, then had a very very heavy lunch. after lunch, i followed boyfriend for his haircut, met his pretty friend awhile. we went novena after that to buy ourselves polo tees of the same kind. but it was too expensive, so i guess it's someother time. ( I NEED A JOB )
wednesday, i went over to his workplace after school. such a long, tiring journey. chilled out at our usual place awhile then headed back home.

on thursday, i attended this interview at a student care. NINE IN THE MORNING. && I SPENT 16 BUCKS ON CAB FARE! i doubt if the lady's going to call me back. certainly not, because i'm INDIAN. what the fuck right. she claims that indians have bad attitude towards work, i don't disagree. thanks to all those rotten indian apples. then again, she could have just kept that comment to herself.

lastly, today! i FINALLY met rosey. after a loooong long time. so good to see her again. and she said i lost weight. hehe. we had lunch at fish and co. together with praveena and raj. then boyfriend came along while we were doing some window shopping at charles & keith. i've got my eye on this red heel, i want i want. i'll make sure i get it soon!! after sitting around at the donut shop aimlessly, cam-whoring away. we made our way to kallang to bowl. rosey didn't follow us as she had to go.
bowling is fun. but i officially suck at it. :( after bowling, we were chilling at coffee bean, exchanging some fruitful thoughts :P and back home. i'm too lazy to elaborate already. pictures are on facebook. (:

on a extremely random note. 2 weeks is such a long time.

i love you.

2009-04-19T00:31:00.005+08:00

i've been waiting so long for my hair to chopped off and finally today, i managed to get it done. & I DON'T LIKE MY NEW HAIRCUT. 1. my hair's too short! 2. i think my boyfriend's going to freak out and boycott me. 3. i can't really tie up my hair neatly. THIS SUCKS! then again, i can't miraculously have long hair overnight. i'll wait, and waitttt.

the weather's being a total bitch today. it's extremely HOT. i just came out from the shower about 10 mins ago and i'm feeling sweaty and sticky again. what the hell. i blame global warming!!

besides the new hair, the highlight of the day would be dinner with Erica and Fazli!! it was so much of fun. we had dinner at mac and then we headed back to my crib to chill. we ended up cam-whoring so much with fazli's webcam. oh, oh. fazli's mac laptop is so uber cool. it lights up by itself in the dark. how cool is that! the webcam is another reason why i should get a mac laptop.

you can view a few of our classic photos here and the rest on facebook!

i think boyfriend has fallen asleep while watching tv. i'm going to leave him alone to wander in his lala land while i hit mine real soon. i'm feeling tired even though i didn't do much today.

2009-04-18T04:13:00.002+08:00

there was this boy, the boy she never imagined to ever be with be. and within months, he swept her off feet. till now, there's no answer to why she has fallen so deeply for him and continues to fall in deeper. the past may have been bitter but the present has made up for it and the future would hold the key to more bliss. all she can ever tell him. baby, despite all the reasons you've said, i can only tell you. I LOVE YOU. my love for you has no reasons.

i love you, sivashankar.

2009-04-13T17:00:00.002+08:00

the past few days has been so far away from the word normal. plenty of fake smiles, plenty of lies. when will it be the same again, i wonder.

sometimes, the emotions are so strong that it dominates me and it's difficult to overcome it. to kick it aside, it seems so impossible. even to pretend like everything's fine, it keeps lingering around that i ended falling back into the black hole. and, poof! there comes another tiff. be it with brother, boyfriend or mother. it's just so tiring. to keep trying to explain, only to find yourself screwing things up again. time and again, i tell myself. ignorance is bliss. apparently, the motto doesn't work well with me. anymore. whatever happened to haruna, the days where she could go on ignoring so many things just to keep herself happy.

you know what. whoever gives a fuck. i don't.
(then again, i know i'm just consoling myself. let me do it. i feel happier)

i should be getting ready for tuition right now but i refuse to move anywhere. i'm plain lazy. not like they pay me what it's worth. speaking of which, i badly need a job. to at least pay off my handphone bills. pray together with me. the tuition center will reply me with a favorable answer and pay me well.

i feel like ranting on and on but i should be gone now.

before that, on a happier, carefree note. my family and i will be gone on a holiday to India during the June holidays. seriously, despite all the phobia, thanks to past experiences. i can't wait! at least, it's going to be a break away from everything, for two weeks.

i miss you. i miss the late night talks. i miss the laughter. i miss everything.

2009-04-11T02:33:00.000+08:00

i don't know why do i even try when it's just so hard. sometimes, maybe giving up would be a much easier option.

2009-04-10T03:58:00.001+08:00

a very odd hour to miss you. but i do.

2009-04-10T00:58:00.006+08:00

today was so much of fun and i realised i missed nasri so much after seeing him. i wish i could have stayed with them for the night, sadly my parents think changi is too ulu and 'dirty'. so they forbidded the overnighting. nevertheless, i had my fair share of fun with nasri, shaun, siva, faisal, angus and two people whom i don't really know.

oh yes, i finally saw how people fish. and i think it's boring and tedious. also, the hooks on the line scare the fuck outta me. angus had himself hooked to the line by accident and i can't believe siva joked about it. angus looked like he was going to explode with vulgarities any moment.

then bam bam came about 45 mins before i had to leave, if only i could have stayed longer to company her.

picture time!! ((:

they were preparing to be fishermen.

bestfriends (:

three fishermen fishing in the shore.

the ultimate ah-pek fisherman.

the indian clan. the pakistani. the tamils. the malayalee.

siva's dumb photography skills.

can you see the moon?
it was a beautiful night (:

i'm just so tired of worrying about our future. i don't want it to become a reason for us to regret. i don't mean to be pissy or make you feel incapable. it's just me, the life with you. you and me but love isn't enough in the practical life. there's more to reality. i don't know if you realise.

i love you, more than you know. i hope you know.

2009-04-08T19:37:00.002+08:00

the last when i posted i was ranting with a lot of rage. right now, i'm just going to rant on how much of pain i'm going through right now. who ever knew one bloody wisdom tooth could suck the life out of you. i didn't know. it doesn't really feel like the antibiotics are working well. and hell no, i'm not going for a surgery. big, long needles. ouch, the thought of it already hurts. i'm hungry too.

there hasn't been much happening. i can count the number of times i went out compared to rotting at home. all because, my dad think i go galavanting too much. on the other hand, i think once or twice a week is pretty reasonable. also, now that i only have one tuition assignment left. the other got cancelled for god knows what reason. i think they must have found it expensive. $160 for 2 kids, expensive much? i'm commentless. anyways, yeap. so i'm bored and stuck at home.

i met boyfriend, on monday. after much whining, i won. we didn't catch any movies on the cinemas, simply cause i wasn't in the mood. we ended up catching a few movies that i brought from home. and we didn't even finish watching any one of it. we were supposed to catch the new tamil movie today. since i was sick and he's working full shift today. i'm resting at home and planning to seek my dad for permission for nasri's camping thingy tomorrow.

as you can see, i'm just blogging right now because i'm bored and i do not know what to do.

on a random note, all those graduation pictures brings upon a tinge of sadness. oh well, another semester and i'm good to go too. nessa, don't forget the party (:

i don't know why my boyfriend's so busy at work that we haven't even spoke for a proper 10 minutes.

and i'm off. love ya'll. ((:

p.s i just killed a bug on my study table.

2009-04-05T17:22:00.003+08:00

i'm so fucking mad right now, that i swear i'd kill that bitch when i see her. that bitch refers to my ex-maid. and i'm going to kill her cause she stole two of my most expensive bags. one of the bags was my birthday present, something which i really wanted. i know that what's gone cannot come back to me and another replacement is never going to be the same birthday present. fuck! fucking maids! BITCH!!!!

2009-04-05T00:32:00.004+08:00

as requested by shweeee! darling. ((:
all done by mua! =P

2009-04-04T18:54:00.003+08:00

right now, i'm feeling so ill. i wish i could just chop that nose off. &&!! my wisdom tooth is finally growing and the pain is killing me, really. it's affecting my ear too. so i have a freaking running nose, toothache and earache. god, how problematic can this body get?! mummy has been forcing me to visit the dentist since the time i woke up. i'm simply reluctant. no way! will i ever step into a dental clinic. it's been years and i have this never-ending phobia of dentists. it all started in primary school, where this dentist made my life so miserable. i will never forgive her!

boyfriend's at some family function. i miss him.

i should be getting ready to follow my mum for some household shopping but i'm just too lazy and ill.

ggggrrrrrrrrrrrr!

2009-04-01T02:21:00.002+08:00

you know that sucky feeling, when you're really tired but you just can't seem to sleep. you end up doing other things which only tires you out more. and still you can't get to bed. yes, that's what i'm going through right now, at 2.24am. plus the throbbing headache since 5pm.

oh well, on the bright side. i had fun today. tons of it. i woke up much earlier than i would on normal days, cause i promised my little brother that i would be at his school (my former school) at 1.30 to pass him his 'excursion' bag. i thought i could be a little more helpful and considerate by reaching early, i ended up waiting for him till 1.50. fifty minutes in the hot sun, and mind you, there was a huge chameleon running around the area i was sitting at. like what the hell, i tried to remain calm as embarrassing myself wouldn't do me any good. while waiting, i managed to wake boyfriend up from his beauty sleep. i'm not being mean, i just needed to make plans. i missed him. so we made plans to catch a tamil movie 'arunthathi', then later on to meet praveena at dhoby ghaut. all plans were carried out successfully.

but i must say, there were too many loop holes in the movie. me being a curious/inquisitive child, i was irritating boyfriend with questions after questions. and the only answer he gave me was 'go ask them luh'. so much of help. plus all the censored scenes mades the movie look a little twisted. on the whole, i guess from a movie which is dubbed it wouldn't be that bad. and the girl aka the ghost aka the reincarnation - she was pretty! (:

after the movie, the two of us slowly made our way to plaza sing. to meet praveena and her boyfriend. praveena wanted to pay a visit to starhub to get her handphone number changed. but after waiting for about 15 minutes, we were all whining away. so she decided to just get it changed tomorrow. then we made our way to body shop so that i could get some stuff, then to dinner. dinner was awesome. we had indonesian food and the chilli was so oh-my-god-awesome. after dinner, we headed to starbuck to have cheesecake. yes, i know. that's alot of 'healthy food'. once in a while doesn't kill, does it? ((:

we all seperated on own paths to get home after having a lovely time (:

6 months, it is.
Happy 6th Month Anniversary, darling. Time flies, and very quickly the months pass too. Over the months, the love i have for you has only grown. despite all the downs we've had, i have never regretted a day of why i'm with this boy. over again and again, you only tend to surprise me with your changes and love. and i have never felt any happier before. i hope time would pass a little quicker, then i can have you all to myself. lastly, i love you. (:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY (:

2009-03-30T17:11:00.001+08:00

maybe. it's not that hard after all. cause only i seem to make it difficult.
i'm sorry.

2009-03-26T01:55:00.003+08:00

there isn't much happening right now more than the frequent meetings with boyfriend.
yes, you read it perfectly right. by frequent i mean twice/thrice in a week.
don't be surprised, well, pretend not to be. cause i'm trying to pull it off normally.
i mean, i can't ask for anymore than this and i feel so drunk in love.
really. that few hours, even the most retarded things that he does, it overwhelms me (:

right, i'm not supposed to get mushy.

so back to today.
boyfriend woke me up at 11 so that i could make my way to his workplace.
being me, i delayed and ended up there around 2.
the fear of getting lost somewhere in science park was a major bother.
i'm a girl and i have bad sense of directions. i admit.
but it doesn't help when the person directing you suck as well.
eventually i found my way and the first thing my dearest toot said when he saw me, 'you look antique, like you're in the eighties.' grrr.
did i mention, i bought him two tongue thingy. i don't know what's it called? bar-bell? how do you spell it?
this is where i should mention, i finished my pay too (: within a day.
back to the point.
we went off to our usual hangout, spent some 'quality' time for two hours.
it's time we find a new hangout!!
we had early dinner before parting on our own ways.

i think we might meet again on saturday. =P might.

& tomorrow. another day of mundane routine plus tuition.
the only good thing is. it's pay day, baby! (:

i fall in ♥ with you, over and over again.

2009-03-23T00:37:00.007+08:00

the stars and moon are in its right places right now.
time for an update!!

thursday.
boyfriend and i made major plans the night before. catch a movie, lunch, shopping, etc.
it ended up in a random outing with praveena and raj. (:
finally, after like what seemed ages, we met the both of them.
the usual hangout and the usual activities. :P
and as always, we had so much of fun. (in all ways). ahem.ahem.

saturday.
yeap yeap!! again the four of us!
just that this time it was at Sentosa.
although the outing was planned much longer ago, the plan to have a mini picnic was random.
and i loved it!!
the time spent, the games played, the fun we had, the cam-whoring session (:
and hopefully, next week, together with rosey, shakthee and titus, we'll all go to the night safari! ((:

pictures! the lazy way (:

if only i had more control over my emotions.

i love you, now and forever.
and i'm not sure if i had told you this.
i love the way you try to make this relationship perfect.
i couldn't ask for more.
the happiness you give me each time with simple words and gestures.
all i ask now. is an eternity with you, sweetheart.
i love you.

2009-03-19T00:34:00.003+08:00

i love you. i hope it sums it up all. (:

2009-03-18T02:32:00.002+08:00

thanks to the cold weather, i've been sneezing more than ever now. wish i could replace my sensitive nose. grrr. not to mention, my mum's sick too. and when i called rosey in the noon, she sounded like sick chicken too. such a nice climate to stay in bed yet a handful of illness comes knocking on the door too.

my brother has been attending Manchester United Soccer School for his soccer training this whole week. I'm appointed to company him to tampines safra in the afternoons. and that's how i got drenched on monday. i guess, regardless of rain and shine, they still train all those young boys and girls. then there was tuition too. i was literally on the verge of killing that kid. maybe like flung him out the window from the 5th storey. really, the temptations were that high. i mean, how rude can a 11 year old get. giving sarcastic remarks to every comment i had on his homework. even if it was meant as a joke, i wasn't really in the mood to kid around that day. i wish, the smack that i left on his lap could have been on his face.

on a random note, i keep hearing this weird sound every night. it's the sound of shaking a bottle of beans. oh well, i've been ignoring it quite well and will continue to do so.

i'm craving for chocolates right now too. i'm being a little mean by keeping my brother awake so that he can be the brave one to company me to the kitchen. i'm not afraid of the dark or anything, ok? just afraid of lizards and cockroaches.

i should be gone now, for my chocolate treats! ((:

i miss my bf too.

2009-03-16T01:53:00.006+08:00

malaysia trip went smooth and fine. minus the part where it took us 4 hours to reach my aunt's place. yes, 4 hours. to make it worse, the migraine decided to kick in. so many bus rides just to get to a convenient place in order to cab down to my aunt's place. much regrets of how i couldn't take up the offer that boyfriend placed. stay with him throughout his working hours then head down to dinner and elsewhere. this kind of offers don't usually happen, it's like miracles. =P
at the end of the day, going to malaysia wasn't that bad either. my new-born baby nephew is like the cutest thing, temptations to bite his cheeks off. i also fell in love with this 4-month old baby girl, named, Mithra. she was extremely cute and the way she fell asleep in my arms. angelic.
then again, babies are only cute, angelic, easy till they start crawling/walking, worse still talking.
i'm still not changing my views on children. they are devils. and no, i wasn't a devil when i was young. i was one of the easiest kids to handle. =)
my grandmother went on a mini vacation since it's the one-week holiday.
it means, my brothers and i have the whole house to ourselves till my mum gets back home.
i've planned to ask boyfriend to join us for one of these days.
other than that, it also means, more housework. ):
i'm dreading all these house chores but there's no way out.

what more.
boyfriend bought me something but refuses to tell me what it is.
nasri says, it's called 'make the heart itchy' tactic.
i do love surprises, just the waiting part. yes, it sucks.

having you in my life... makes everything so special & beautiful...

2009-03-13T20:15:00.005+08:00

i had the whole house to myself for about three hours.
and the feeling is so whoa, it's like finally you get some peace.
yet awhile later, i got bored. i realised, i constantly need people around me.
somehow, it keeps me entertained.

yesterday.
boyfriend and i decided to do some shopping.
it was more of me dragging him along for the Body Shop sale at Suntec.
gawd, the place was packed. and i couldn't even squeeze through those people even though i'm so small. we managed to buy some shower gels, body butter, facials and perfume. before heading to the sale, we caught the movie 'Marley and Me'. i was literally weeping towards the end. i am an emotional person, okay? and i hate sad endings. if you love animals, especially cute doggies, do go catch the movie. it's worth the money and the time taken. (:

so after the sale, we went back to marina square to have dinner at pizza hut.
there was this new 'Japanese Cherry Blossom' edition at the Body Sop outlet at marina square. couldn't bring myself to resist the temptation. so i swiped the credit card again. less than an hour and 100 dollars gone.
i really need a career that pays me extremely well in the future, at least to support my expenses. (: dinner at pizza hut was love. boyfriend was extremely hyper and loony throughout the whole dinner.

i'll be going to our neighboring country, Malaysia, tomorrow.
and i'll be back before the day ends. pathetic.

&& MY BROTHER JUST WON A PSP, now he has two PSPs!!! *pfft*

also, i just finished cooking dinner for the family ((:

2009-03-11T01:42:00.003+08:00

now i'm actually wondering when would my body clock return to its norm.
i'm kind of tired sleeping at wee hours and waking up in the unreasonable late noons.
it may seem like a perfect slacking life, but now as the days go by, there's nothing to do anymore.
facebook, movies and videos online, games; i'm bored of everything.

this is where i start ranting about how i wish i had more money.
why does money always have to be the issue. grr.
i need new sandals, on a separate note. the one that i've been using might give way anytime soon.
& the sudden urge to go on a picnic with shakthee, rosey and praveena.
also chopping off a few inches of my hair soon. (boyfriend, i know you aren't going to allow but it's called chop off the split ends and have healthy beautiful hair)

not to mention, my phone's going bonkers.
it decides to shut down by itself all the time, and lag extremely at the point where i'm furiously texting boyfriend.

I'M BORED.BORED.BORED.
i wish boyfriend didn't have to work, then throughout the night we could talk and boredom wouldn't be this bad. i'm missing you already.

sometimes, she's just too protective over us. which is good and am not complaining a bit about that. then again, with that protectiveness comes the nagging and tons of shouting/yelling.
that's the part we hate the most, why wouldn't you care to realise. blogging is someone's privacy and at the age of thirteen, boys have their fun in many ways. what are you going to do stop them from having their fun outside this house? times have changed, we are all growing up. please don't yell.

2009-03-10T00:08:00.007+08:00

rainy season + unemployment + a super cosy room.
it only results in difficulty to wake up in the morning.
not even close to noon, i only manage to get out of bed around three in the afternoons.
and i love my room. one very good reason to why i should stay put in singapore.

i woke up just in time to have a very late lunch, catch up with rosey a little and get ready to leave for tuition.
i never made it for tuition by the way, thanks to boyfriend and his temptations.
canceled the tuition with the stupidest excuse, fever and made plans to meet him.
spent some quality time till 9 before he sent me back home.
yes, again, he sent me home. ((: my boyfriend can be such a darling.

picture time. (:

he's everything to me. he's perfect for me.
But the best part of all... is that he loves me!
i ♥ you, sivashankar.

2009-03-09T00:15:00.004+08:00

it's been long since the a proper post.
all those emotional turmoil long gone and i hope it doesn't return.
the lightness that lingers around makes me sleep peacefully.

the little updates that i can remember.

mugi and i went for Jason Mraz's concert at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.
and i loved the concert; jason mraz is awesome!! (:
after the concert, boyfriend appeared at Kallang Leisure Park.
yes, i miss that god damn place. i miss kallang river too!!
so, i decided to be a good friend and walk mugi to the bus stop.
and for being a good friend, god decided to shower me with blessings in the form of heavy rain.
we were drenched, stuck there. thanks to inconsiderate people who refused to move in the bus, and everyone else who were waiting for cab too.
since getting back to bedok seemed impossible, we took bus 16 going towards bukit merah and alighted at dhoby ghaut.
boyfriend was being an extreme sweetpie by not whining for being drenched and having to send me home. he usually whines for the slightest things. :P

i blew my handphone bill again. and am still not sure of what the outcome might be.

my dad had a small talk with me regarding poly and whatever so the future has in store for me.

tuition with the three kids, i must say, it can be tedious.
15 mins to draw a model for one word problem!!!
dear god, please bless me with endless amount of patience.

and i don't think there's anything else which deserves much attention.
everyday is like a routine now. sleep, eat, housework, laptop, sleep again.

i miss each one of my friend.
right now, nasri is entertaining me, and it only reminds me that we all need to meet up pretty soon.

baby, i love you, and only you.

2009-03-04T23:52:00.001+08:00

lately, all that lingers around is depression and sorrow.
and no matter how much i try to let go.
it keeps coming back.

2009-02-26T18:09:00.000+08:00

iloveyou.
in silence, because in silence, there's no rejection.
in loneliness, because in loneliness, noone owes you but me.

2009-02-25T22:13:00.002+08:00

tuition went pretty much smooth except for the fact that the kid made me feel like i was talking to the wall.

i've set my eyes upon the new LG Prada phone.
and am already begging my parents for it. (:

now you've got me thinking.
for once, i've stopped hoping cause to you everything else matters.

2009-02-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

all the renovations going on in my neighbour's house woke me up today morning.
not to mention, rosey's text on A.R.Rahman winning 2 Oscar Awards.
i tried rolling around in bed, attempting to fall asleep again.
thanks to the noise pollution, and i do foresee my sleep being disrupted for the next few days.

decided to check my results, preparing myself for the worst.
and the results was pretty contradicting.
my G.P.A improved yet i failed one module.
so yeap, one more semester in school.
my module chair called me up to tell me, i'll be taking Sports and Health Wellness every wednesday. and i don't have much of a choice either.
i'm already dreading the thought of travelling to and fro just for one day of school!

tuition was pretty much alright without adding the nerve-wrecking part.
hopefully the next lesson would be a much better one. i doubt.

boyfriend attended first day of school too. (:
we had an unfruitful conversation for nearly two hours.
if he's patient enough, i'll buy him a handphone (: only if he spends his salary, or half of it, on me.
i love my wuwuboo.
(wuwuboo is some random name i came up with for him while i changed his contact details on my handphone. =P)

2009-02-22T00:15:00.004+08:00

she will try to contain her emotions within her control.
she will keep that needed distance to free herself from deep thoughts.
she will try her very best not to miss him this much anymore.
because the more she misses him and yearns to see him, it all comes falling down on her.
she will keep her mind busy with school and work as soon as possible.
she will not spill irrational words whenever temper or disappointment clouds her thoughts and judgments.
she will give in and be accommodating to family, boyfriend and friends when needed.

and i hope, it all happens.

it's not wrong to miss someone this much, is it?

a short vacation would do good right now.
i'll most likely spend the next weekend at my god mum's place.
since we both miss each other tons. and i don't want to cheat her feelings any longer.

am off to bed already.
the earliest ever since school closed.
hopefully all those thoughts don't come rushing in tonight and i'll be able to sleep peacefully.

2009-02-21T01:04:00.005+08:00

boredom cannot further torment me.
and when you can't find anything to do, it just keeps getting worse.
i called up two student cares to look for a job.
one of it said they would call back after shortlisting while the other one said the post was filled.

i'm wondering if boyfriend would turn up tomorrow or if he even remembers.

something interesting that i found on facebook.
my birthday means:

At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around. Your Love, You hardly show your feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

each line, i think it's pretty accurate. (:

2009-02-20T01:35:00.003+08:00

haruna needs no sugar rush to be hyper.
just a long random conversation with boyfriend would do the magic.
thus explains the colours.

spent the whole day, researching about courses and universities.
a sudden interest in psychology.
reading the human behavior, working with different kind of people.
i think it's intriguing. however, there's still the uncertainty.
plus to decide over the choice of degree and the university.
not forgetting how money seems to be an issue too.
it drains the brain juices easily.

whatever else, still the same old routine. and extremely broke too.

miss you, babyboy. as always.

2009-02-19T01:56:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i lock the thoughts and emotions deep down within myself.
the only reason being that it wouldn't be a burden.
i'm not that difficult. i just feel i should be more accommodating.
rarely happens but i'm still trying.

i miss you.

found another tuition assignment.
hope this one would go well.
randomly, i can't wait to start school.
i can't wait to keep my mind busy with school and work.

2009-02-18T01:56:00.007+08:00

i received my first credit card! ((:
it came together with a stern warning.

2009-02-17T02:56:00.000+08:00

artemis scythe. says:
the way you giggle
makes me happy
haha
i dont know why

°«×»°¦hå®üñå¦°«×»° says:
awwww.. omg i really fucking miss all of you!!

NESSA BABY, YOU MADE MY DAY! (night actually) (:

2009-02-17T01:24:00.002+08:00

tuition somewhat turned into an disaster.
hopefully, my morning wouldn't be as disastrous.
praying. praying. the heart's not at peace.

i miss you. truckloads.
i don't know why i haven't told you a word yet.
maybe it's just ego ever since the last tiff.
it keeps coming back, i still feel hurt and responsible.
unsure how else to regain the norm.
by the time you read this, you just have to know.
i miss you. i love you. i need you. (:
i'll be around, i'll be loving you always, as always.

2009-02-16T03:19:00.002+08:00

not a split second that the mind wouldn't wander off into deep thinking.
annoying, frustrating.
what happened to all those happy go lucky days. those carefree days.

i hope i'll receive that one call for the tuition assignment.
at least there's something to keep me occupied.

2009-02-14T15:18:00.001+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! =)

2009-02-14T02:29:00.003+08:00

those lingering thoughts. amusing how my mind never stops thinking.
it don't matter.

most of all. i love you and only you.
and i love every single thing you did for me.

2009-02-12T23:37:00.001+08:00

my balloon of hopes and you prick it with a simple no.

2009-02-09T17:04:00.002+08:00

right. by now, you should have guessed.
i haven't been online or blogging.
thanks to acer, cause i've no idea what's taking them so long to reformat a single laptop.
& yes! i feel handicapped.
i feel like a lost child with no food, toys, sweets without my laptop.
grrr.

there's quite a lot of things that happened.
but i have lost track of them.
i'm getting old. =(

so i finally met my boyfriend on saturday.
and we managed to get our lone time. =)
i hope he'll make it next friday.
i'm looking forward to spend the day with him.

then. the much awaited thaipusam.
and it was a success.
haha. well, a success meaning it's one of the days where i will remember throughout my life.
had fun with titus, shakthee, praveena and raj.
bumped into known and unknown people.
some random guy poured hot coffee on me and i went on cursing him for 5 minutes continuously. there was some guy that stepped on my feet and i spilled a profanity out loud.
at the end of the day, we were like dead chickens.
considering that we spent the whole day walking up and down.
and we didn't have food the whole day. (minus shakthee who had chicken rice without me)
not to mention, the sun was scorching and i got a few blisters on my feet.

& i finally managed to tell him that thing that has been bothering me all the time.

i should be gone now.
cause my brother is chasing me away from the desktop.
and using the desktop can be bitch at times.

2009-02-05T03:31:00.002+08:00

i'm his 'idiot at times' and am officially dumb.
i ruined everything.
and i'm thankful that my boyfriend didn't jump into the ocean because i made him so depressed.
right, i know that i'm unreasonable at times.
sometimes, needs blind me, alright.
i don't get pissy or demanding for nothing.
i just miss you, too much.

&& i'll hate her for this one thing for the rest of my life.
aside that, i bare no grudges =)

sometimes to one, it maybe the right, justified thing to do. and to another it's just so wrong.
you've said something that's so wrong, something that i'll never imagine even in my dreams.

a thousand things, a thousand people may say.
i love him, and i'll love him for the rest of my life. =)
he keeps me happy in his own ways, and i wouldn't ask for more.

2009-02-04T02:13:00.003+08:00

life's become mundane.
not that there has ever been anything ever extraordinary.
but now, it's worse.
i can't express how much i dread being at home now.
broke/bankrupt. whatever it is. it's a bitch.
it isn't fair to ask for allowance just to spend it lavishly on mere outings and shopping.
wait, or is it fair?
waking up unemployed, and seeing friends working their ass off for projects and assignments.
nope, not helping at all.
all these rants can go on and on.
and the only solution is to just keep hunting for the jobs.
i'm hunting and will keep hunting.

on the bright side.
i called up the tuition agent for some assignments.
hopefully, it comes flowing in.

i'm feeling murderous right now.
thanks to little tiny lingering issues. =(

my boyfriend's a bitch.
cause he hasn't called me the whole day.
i have no idea what the fcuk he's doing online when he can't freaking reply me.
&& he either ignores the fact or conveniently forgot that he owes me the whole day tomorrow.
i'm not asking. just reminding.
and i'm pissed.
i hate you. just for this moment.

2009-02-03T02:46:00.007+08:00

&& he makes her smile again with simple words.

2009-02-03T00:59:00.002+08:00

and the tears fall cause her feelings are all tangled up.

2009-02-01T22:45:00.014+08:00

to the boy she loves;

Happy Anniversary, sweet love.
4 months and many more anniversaries to come. the words, the sentences; no matter how perfectly they come together. it will never be enough to tell you,
I LOVE YOU.
you've grown to be a part of me, that inevitable part in life. everything about you makes me fall deeply in love, again and again.

iloveyou, sivashankar.

2009-01-30T01:12:00.004+08:00

i've been having very bad mind-blocks lately.
every time i try to post an entry, my mind goes blank.
can't be blamed.
school's out and massive rotting/stoning moments are kicking in.
so it simply indicates that i ~~should~~ must find a job.
before i become senile/couch potato/etc. (feel free to fill in the blanks)
you know, just that part, when you're supposed to do up the resume.
yeap, it takes too much of effort when you can't really figure out what you need to put in there.
and plain laziness.
not to mention, a job is required for a continuous flow of income and the fact that i'm penniless right now.
just one tree producing $10 bills?

&& i won't deny that as much as i love being at home all the time, i miss all my friends.
i miss rosey. i miss shakthee. i miss nessa. i miss chun sang.
i miss arieyanto. i miss valli. i miss veena.
and i miss everyone else that i see daily in school.

tuesday.
met fazli and erica after an extremely long time.
endless of gossips and laughter at pizza hut.
i realised when it's the three of us, one way or another, we end up at pizza hut.
after a late lunch, we caught the movie 'INKHEART'.
i liked the show, somewhat interesting i should say.
i feel the need to read the book, just to figure out if the storyline of the book relates to the storyline of the movie.
and in the cinema there was a couple sitting right behind us and they were laughing at the slightest things. and the lady's laughter was horrendous yet hilarious.
erica and i couldn't stop joining in together with her laughter.
then fazli and i thought they should have named the movie 'SILVER TONGUE'.
it would have been more appropriate.
after the movie, as planned we made our way for dinner at a hawker center.
cause i was craving for bbq stingray.
unfortunately, due to the public holiday, most of the shops were close.
we should have guessed it though.
we made our way to sempang bedok, it was my first time there.
and we had our delicious seafood dinner =)

and as usual, tomorrow will be another day spent unfruitfully at home.

see there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest,
your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo.
it's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

2009-01-27T00:16:00.009+08:00

following the traditions of the family.
we went out for family dinner since it's daddy's birthday.
the usual north indian restaurant at holiday inn hotel.
truckloads of laughter which we don't usually get at home, cause we're all busy with our own stuff.
before my brother retorts (when he sees this). i hide myself in the comforts of my room, stoning around doing nothing. therefore, not much bonding sessions :P
it's either i'm getting older or my dad's being loonier around me. =D
spilling vulgarities in front of his children while getting excited.
in all. dinner, family time, trip to and fro, it was all perfect. ((:
i HEART my family!!

Happy Birthday, Kalaivani! =)

2009-01-26T16:22:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

dearest daddy turns 49 today.

2009-01-25T23:13:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday, Fazli!! (:

a simple day spent at home, helping out in the chores.
which most of them, i managed to do without bothering my mum.
i see myself improving in those housework.
and no, that doesn't mean you can hire me as a maid.

&& i cooked chicken curry for dinner =)
and it was delicious. quoted by my family members!!
see.. i'm learning :P

2009-01-24T23:49:00.000+08:00

thursday. the last of RP.
that's if i'm not going back there for the next semester.
class will never be boring when you're in the same team as your best friends.
shakthee. rosey. chun sang.
little notes. chocolates. class photos. games. laughter.
it won't be the same when we're all moving on the next phase of life.

while waiting for titus to meet us after school, shakthee and i went to meet prem.
shakthee and i got abused terribly.
i returned home with a huge bruise on my right arm.
mummy thought i got punched.
and it's still blue black and hurts alot. =(

friday.
it was ultimately crazy!! (:
3 couples + my pooh bear Rosey!!
shakthee and titus, me and boyfriend, praveena and raj.
rosey did the honor of cooking for us. it was edible and nice. =P
not forgetting the alcohol. when there's all of us, the alcohol's there too.
the girlfriends were manhandled and abused terribly by the boyfriends while rosey was stuck in the middle not knowing how to help us.
after the mini wrestling showdown, i waxed boyfriend's arm while rosey got her leg waxed.
it was part of the dare. major failure in trying to wax raj's and titus's leg.
there'll always be another time :P
private sessions was love. (:

now that school's over.
it's time to hunt for a job.
it doesn't help when all my money's gone.
and the thought of going abroad for studies.

time to time, the unwanted surprises you give me.
it builds the insecurity in me.
then when i sit back and think, all that matters is your love for me.
it don't matter, the things to you say or do.
cause, till the end, i'm going to be crazy over you.
just like since day one, the only reason being.
i can never get enough of you.

2009-01-22T00:34:00.003+08:00

sometimes, it'll be so much better if i had a whole lot more of patience.
sadly, i got the genes from my dad so i don't see it working.

all those lingering thoughts, it kills silently and slowly.

2009-01-16T23:57:00.004+08:00

there's officially three more days of school left!!
three years in RP and who ever realized that time flies this fast.
it seems just like yesterday.
and there's definitely a tinge of sadness there.
to think that everyone's going on on their own path of life.
the chance of seeing one another, it's much lesser.
thankfully, singapore's small. someday, we're all going to bump into one another.
and when i see shamini.. i'll definitely shout her name across the street and sing her that special song. =P

there wasn't any class today, so it was just lazing around at home.
helping out with the chores. nothing else which deserves attention.
ouh!! i bought myself three tops from my friend's blog shop. =)

thursday.
one of the days where you get to see haruna hyped out throughout the whole day.
was contemplating to get up from bed in the morning for school.
then there was an random call from boyfriend at 6.30am.
my brain couldn't register anything that he was saying over the phone except the line that he was picking me up. we picked up rosey.
rosey had so much of difficulties getting into the car cause the back was filled with boxes of food and other stuff (for his friend's birthday party).
we managed to squeeze shakthee in at woodlands. first time in the last semester of school, we reached early!! haha!

class was so fun. the three of us were in the same group.
and none of us could stop laughing throughout the lesson.
still we did a very good job for the presentation. =)
siva came back to RP with praveena this time. we had lunch at causeway point.
it's been long since i laughed till i teared. rosey and her jokes.
now rosey has a laughing companion, sivashankar!
after lunch, we chilled at a multistorey carpark.

car model (part one)

part 2. i'm speechless. =P

i think it's the car fetish. =P

the three people i don't want to live without.

then back to school while praveena and siva went to pick up raj.
we lazed around in the canteen awhile before dispersing.
sent shakthee off to sembawang to meet titus, then boyfriend dropped me home!
to think that the whole day, he was with us. (:
i can't express how happy i felt.

tomorrow's sumathi's 21st birthday party. =)

i find myself falling in love with you deeper each time.
my love for you knows no boundaries.
i love you, love. (:

2009-01-14T02:40:00.004+08:00

dad instructed me to go to bed early so that i'll be able to get up in the morning to help out with the house chores tomorrow.
considering that tomorrow, actually today. it's pongal, an auspicious day for the hindus.
and i'm still awake cause i can't sleep although i'm feeling a little tired and woozy.

i attended this resume writing workshop in school earlier today.
i won't deny the fact that it looks easy and simple to write but there's so much to it.
i forgot half the achievements i have made, if there's any.
it's time to start penning down the resume.
did i mention, i'm looking for tuition too. just an extra income to help myself.

after the workshop, shakthee and i met titus who came after camp.
shakthee and i got our boyfriends' the same perfume from the body shop.
i still got the smell of the perfume lingering in my wrist and it's intoxicating.
can't wait to smell it on boyfriend. =P
i'm praying that his interview with the body shop would be a success later on. (:

I love you today; I’ll love you tomorrow; I’ll love you forever.
& you're all that i'm ever going to need.

2009-01-12T23:58:00.001+08:00

i should be in bed right now, firstly cause i'm dead tired.
secondly, then only can i wake up in time for school tomorrow.

rosey and i didn't make it to school successfully today.
thanks to me and the temptations rosey gave in to.
morning breakfast with her at MacDonalds and a heart to heart talk. (:
i tried resisting the urge of calling boyfriend to meet cause i thought he would say his usual no.
it was probably my lucky day and he probably got up on the right side of the bed.
we planned to meet. not forgetting how he shouted on the phone before that, and how i deserve a slap from him for skipping school. :(

made my way to redhill. meeting at 12 became 12.30.
then we went to catch a tamil movie (silambattam) with shalini and her two friends (whose names i can't remember now)
the movie was pretty screwed up.
we went to vivocity in hope to catch another movie after that, sadly there wasn't anything to watch. (it was all for good in the end) =P
had early dinner at Pizza Hut where conversations took a new level.
boyfriend gets shy easily and it's amusingly cute :p

there's exactly 5 more schooling days.
and done. =)

i want to be in your arms, where you hold me tight and never let me go.

2009-01-09T01:35:00.002+08:00

practically after 7 weeks of missing today's lesson, i was back in class.
but not for long, before rosey came tempting us on msn to leave class halfway.

before lunch, there was a photoshoot for the graduation book.
then nessa, cs, rosey, shakthee and myself went to a nearby block to chill.
we tried stuffing mushmellows in our mouths while saying chubby bunnies.
i couldn't go beyond four mushmellows. small mouth =P

along the way, where details shall be excluded.
rosey, shakthee and i had pizza for lunch.
and while rosey made her way back to school, shakthee and i went to orchard to get my brother's phone repaired.
it was a failure though, i didn't send the phone for a repair. it cost about $150. tsk, sooooo expensive.
then we went to cotton on to buy cardigans for ourselves.
the temptation to shop was rather high, but i resisted. so proud of myself, you know!!
the charles and keith at Wisma has extremely nice collections. *hints*

then we went for threading. where the lady scarred my eyebrows again.
made our way to bugis to find my handsome boyfriend and his friends.
stayed around awhile before parting on our own ways.

and tomorrow might be a long day.
thanks to all the chores and errands.

cause i love you and i miss you, hearing your voice is the closest thing to touching you…
i love you, sweetheart.

2009-01-06T23:05:00.002+08:00

pharm.chem for lesson today.
the test killed me yesterday. the lesson bored me to death today.
at the end of the day, it's like you're destined to die for pharm.chem.
there was a legislation test too.
it was pretty manageable.

the train was jam-packed on the way back home.
was sandwiched in between all those inconsiderate people.
and there were this two indian guys who tried to be funny.
one of them kept brushing against my hands and chest.
like seriously WTF. luckily, rosey was there to save me. =)

i broke the news to my mum.
of how i might not make it out of poly this semester and the need to repeat one module.
she has yet to say anything. i do see it coming though.

you're nothing short of my everything.

2009-01-05T22:59:00.002+08:00

the day just isn't right today.
although class was perfectly fine, and i was productive in class.
pharm.chem test killed me. literally.
an instant cardiac arrest would have been a better alternative compared to doing the test.
5 mins after the test began, i started panicking so badly that i couldn't even type properly.
and i only managed to finish 2 and a half questions out of seven.
so, it can clearly be seen. a big F for the test and a big E for the module.
resulting in one more semester, i think.
i just hope not. i'm so excited about leaving RP.

8 lessons. 8 days. and done!

earlier on, i started filling up the application form for NIE.
i decided NIE would be a good choice if i can't do a degree.
you get paid while studying with year end bonus.
yeap, i can hear many of you saying. the pay is low.
i will work my way up the salary scale. (:

also, i'm elated over the FYP grade.
B+ (: this would help the gpa. i think.

boyfriend said no more clubbing. ):

lostandbothered.
feels like slapping herself.

2009-01-04T22:58:00.005+08:00

saturday was an eventful day.
nessa's little gathering was a success. =)
pizza and chicken wings for dinner while watching Hairspray.
waxing and plucking nasri's and c.s's leg hair. and their classic reactions.
it was so hilarious. video will be up soon :P
then we watched a chinese movie where the heroine refused to die.
gave nasri a little manicure session too. that boy is vain!!

shakthee made sudden plans to go clubbing.
and she gave her pathetic look persuading me to come.
so, me being a kind soul. i took the risk and begged my dad.
daddy allowed me to stay out the night (presuming that i was at nessa's place.)
around 1130, shakthee's boyfriend, titus came to pick us up.
we made our way to boat quay and waited there for almost 45mins.
titus kept saying that his friends would be there in 10 mins.
a total of 3 ten minutes and they still weren't there.
finally we entered chillies. free entry + free flow for ladies. (:

after a few jugs and glasses of alcohol. and toooo much of dancing in heels.
i got extremely high. i still deny the fact that i was drunk.
despite i showed all the symptoms of being drunk.
i feel guilty for spoiling the night for shakthee and titus.
and i also feel guilty for spoiling boyfriend's sleep.
i staggered my way to redhill to meet him at 7 in the morning.
followed him for mac'donald's breakfast, then to subway.
stoned at his workplace till 10plus then made my way home.

slept throughout the afternoon, and am still in need of the sleep.
that crappy feeling lingering around is so sucky!
&& my parents know that i'm suffering from a hung-over.

back to school tomorrow.
and there's a pharm.chem test on the first day itself.
i haven't studied due to the massive stoning process.
hopefully, will be able to study in class tomorrow.
there's only three more weeks of school. =D
time flies.

babyboy, i love you.

2009-01-03T01:18:00.003+08:00

haruna's a grumpy girl today.
and she vented her anger by throwing things around the house.

it feels like i overreacted.
then again, the girl has her needs.
and she needs to be desired.

i'm no longer frustrated.
i feel perfectly fine already.

earlier on, i sent my youngest brother to school.
the school which i used to attend.
as i walked back home from the school, it was like reliving the moments.
reflecting those times in that environment.
brings back laughter and a tinge of sorrow.

he's all ready for secondary school (:

can't wait to see all the loved souls tomorrow.
i miss them.

boyfriend, boyfriend.
despite all the anger, the harsh words i throw at you.
i still love you. (:

2009-01-01T22:29:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year!

for the record, on the first day of the year.
i cooked (: and yes, it was fit for human consumption!

ROSEY'S BACK!
yay yay!
i can't wait to grab onto her tudung and give her a bear hug!

both my brothers are going back to school tomorrow.
it's back to square one.

imissboyfriend.

2008-12-31T21:41:00.003+08:00

in less than three hours.
welcome Twenty'O'nine.
(:

2oo8.
not the best year yet not the worse either.
like every other year, this year leaves behind the overwhelming happy memories as well as the heartbreaking moments.
all of the blissful memoirs will always be close to my heart, and what that shall be forgotten will be forgotten.

and with the new year arriving.
i'm thankful to God for everything that he has blessed me with.
dearest parents who gives us the best of their ability.
my baby brothers. despite being annoying, the care and concern. the way they make me laugh.
my boyfriend. i love him much more than he knows. and i thank him for tolerating me. =P
my friends. for being there for me all the time and not giving up on me.
and everything else in life. =)

i hope the new year would give everyone of us the best.
i love ya'll.

my heartfelt wishes to everyone out there. =)

i love you, baby.
a little more each day, my love for you grows.

2008-12-30T22:47:00.002+08:00

completely drained, left with no energy.

the morning was disastrous.
there's no need for the details, i think.

as of today, we don't have a domestic worker.
&& i'm hell as sure my mum won't be hiring another one!!
everyone of them = headaches!!

i miss boyfriend.
wonder if he misses me as much?

tomorrow's going to be an extremely long day.
have to get out of bed at 8am.

and tomorrow's the eve of the new year.