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Monday, February 8, 2010, 12:23 AM
sometimes i wish you never existed, the 14 months of my life never existed. because then, life would have been so much easier. to live each day, it would have been so much simpler. fast forward time please. they all say with time, everything heals. i want to heal fast. i don't want to go through this shit anymore. it's so difficult to pull through the days when i imagine the most impossible scenarios, when i recall everything about you, me, us. when i pass by places where you've waited, we've been. you know shit about how it feels. it stings.

i don't want you anymore. but what the hell. what reaches the mind, it doesn't reach the heart. every beat quickens when i see you online, when i read your blog, when i see your updates on facebook. who am i kidding. i must be so damn dumb, crazy to want a person who threw me away within moments.

noone knows what runs deep through my me, never had the chance to tell anyone. there's noone to hear. i want you, because there's noone like you. not the guy i met at the club, not the guy who flatters me each time he calls, not the guy who stalks me. noone right now. noone will be what you were, and noone will ever know who i ever was.

i lost myself when i lost you. haha. you know it all sounds like a drama. fucking melodramatic. but i won't deny a single thing i've just said. because it truly comes from my heart. i haven't been able to put anything across as words because i never wanted you to know how i feel. i don't want to be known as the girl who became desperate.

you've made me so mad. with the blog post. with status such as ' if the guy doesn't reply your calls or message. he's no longer interested. don't bug me'. ARE YOU OUT THERE TO EMBARRASS ME? i don't bug you. do i? if it doesn't refer to me. at least people who read will refer it to me. it's so fucking degrading. and why the fuck do i still feel for you.

she says, i'm a fool. you take me for a fool. another says, he knows you'll take his nonsense. maybe not this time around, if i convince my fucking heart. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself, you know? probably just sit around and let insanity sink in.

i don't know why, what, when? what the fuck went wrong? you lied, didn't you? about black magic? about everything. i'll never buy that story. i want to know the real, actual, true reason. even if it is going to hurt every inch of me. what differs now? when you've already killed. you only saw what you wanted. you never saw the love. well, each man for himself right? you had to be selfish. and why wasn't i?

you don't feel as much as i do. that's one thing for sure. i'll aspire to be like this. when i won't give a fuck about you any longer. won't the day come sooner?

i shouldn't have loved you this much. i should have never trusted you in the first place. each time you said you loved me more than i did. when you said, i was the only thing you've wanted so much. when you said, i meant the world. when you changed, i should have never fall for you. see, this is what happens to a stupid girl. haha. take me for an example. this is what happens.

go on, haruna. enough of self pity. you are done for tonight. ranting is over. come back the next time you see him online and your heart skips a beat and everything else comes tumbling down.