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If I could have it any other way.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012, 5:02 AM
Sitting by the window, with dusk falling, it's quite a scenery from my window. So much different from the high-rise buildings that I see when I peek out of my window when I'm back home. England, one country that I have always wanted to visit in my lifetime. And I'm here, almost 3 weeks it has been. Beautiful country; the history that comes a long long way with this country is fascinating. Right now, I'm in Oxford and this place is stunning, more than the words that I can find to describe it actually. As I walk along the streets with astonishing historical b  uildings, I wish I could live in one of those, savour every moment of the hundreds of year old history. I'm glad I took the opportunity to visit England, I'd definitely do it again. With someone who'd bring me to every corner of this country to visit all the castles, palaces, colleges, every historical building that we can find. And as there are a few more nights to go, to head back home, I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it. There's this overwhelming excitement to get back home to my parents and my brothers. I only look forward to this and nothing else; not friends, not school, not any other aspect of my very boring life. My bed, my room, my kitchen, my toilet. Ridiculous, I know. But like what daddy always says, the grass is always greener on the other side. I finally agree to this, nothing beats home. There maybe a time in future that I might eventually leave Singapore to find a job elsewhere in this world but I'm definitely not leaving my family to live alone. If I can't survive 3 weeks, I don't think 3 months or 3 years will be bearable. It's just me, made this way, where family comes first. Not judging anyone here. Besides returning to the most important aspect of my life, it's going to be reality again. In a matter of few days, reality will come knocking on my door, shoving all the hard facts of life at my face. What's so hard, people ask. I've got everything I want. I do not need to struggle to get past each day. But if everything is so easy for me, why do I feel this lack of belonging. I ask myself, if it really matters and each time I console myself with lies. Eventually a day comes, it all comes tumbling down and it hurts every bit on the inside. And again, I start building back this fake mask with lies. Feels like a never-ending cycle now. It's not fair that it still hurts the same and after all these years. It's stupidity that it still hurts even when I'm thousands of miles away from home. It strikes as a very good reason to stay away from home and start all over again without any leftover feelings and wounds. But who am I kidding, I say all of this, and I go back to where it all began. Why? Is it the sense of comfort, is it the sense of belonging, is it just for the pure sake of loneliness? I don't know, I long for someone who would come along and give me an answer. This piece of entry is purely a rant with no hint or desire to have someone in my life. Because now it all feels better. However. it'd be nice to say if I have 'someone' to miss too. Moreover it'd be nice to say if a special someone misses me.
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